


The Wall

by orphan_account



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, F/M, M/M, Post Battle of Hogwarts, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-10-06
Packaged: 2017-12-28 14:25:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/992941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the turmoil of the previous year, Liam is keen for a simple, Death Eater-free year of preparing for next year's NEWTs, captaining the Gryffindor Quidditch team, and volunteering for the Operation Reparo Committee - an extracurricular volunteer group to help rebuild the parts of Hogwarts destroyed in the war.</p><p>Unfortunately for Liam, Louis won't stop introducing him to people - incorrectly - as his "friend that used to date Voldemort." Furthermore, somebody keeps spray painting murals onto the walls of Hogwarts, and while Liam is entranced by the talent he sees in them, he's also been commissioned, as part of the ORC, to remove them each day. Upon falling in love - or, as Louis calls it, obsession - with the artist, Liam makes it his mission to find out who is behind the murals.</p><p>But when Liam catches the artist - muggle-born Zayn Malik, who spent most of last year in hiding - he is disappointed to discover that he is extremely wary of purebloods - a category to which Liam belongs.</p><p>As Louis tells him: he should never have expected a simple year at Hogwarts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wall

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know.

"What, like... You-Know-Who. Like, the actual You-Know-Who. As in, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. As in that super insanely evil Dark Lord guy. That You-Know-Who? You dated him?"

Liam is used to this reaction. For awhile, he hadn't had to experience it at all, as he simply hadn't mentioned it to people, but then he'd become friends with Louis, who had eventually found out and taken to introducing him to people as "my friend Liam, who used to date Voldemort."

To be honest, Liam is surprised that this kid - Harry, he reminds himself - hasn't already heard the rumours. Liam has certainly heard them more than enough times, whispered in the hallways as he walks past. If he had a Knut for every time he'd heard someone behind him murmuring about how Louis Tomlinson had said that Liam Payne had dated He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, he'd have enough money to pay someone to make him a time-turner that would let him go back far enough in time to stop himself from befriending Louis.

"Isn't he like, really old, though?" Harry is saying. "Euurgh, what were you doing with him? He was basically elderly when he died."

Liam stares blankly at this kid. It's the first time someone has shown more disgust at the age gap than at He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named being a murderous, bloodline-obsessed lunatic. In fact, Liam doesn't think he even knows how old He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was when he died. He had never given it much thought, but if pressed, Liam would have thought him to be youngish. How could someone elderly pull off evil? Surely elderly people were all too, well, old-looking to seem very threatening.

"Come off it, Harry," says Louis. "Everyone knows you love yourself an older woman. Or an older man, for that matter. The point is, you're no stranger to older lovers."

"Yeah," Harry replies, "But none of mine are in their 70s. That's a bit much, even for me. What was his dick like? Was it elderly-looking? What does elderly dick look like? Do dicks age? Do they get all old-looking, like receding pubic hair line, or something?"

"Okay, no," Liam cuts him off. "No. We are not having this conversation. This conversation is not happening. I don't ever want to have a conversation with you about You-Know-Who's sex organs."

Harry and Louis break out into peals of laughter. 

"Well that answers that question," Harry manages to gasp, through his cackles - and wow, Liam notes, Harry actually, genuinely slaps his knee when he laughs. He didn't know people actually did that.

"What question?" Liam asks, defensively. 

"Mate, nobody would refer to something that turned them on as a 'sex organ.' Have you ever heard anyone say that? 'Yeah, his sex organ felt so good in my rectal cavity, mmmm.' No, it just isn't sexy. He must have had the droopiest, wrinkliest old cock and balls ever. God. What did he even have going for him that had you interested?"

Liam glances at Louis helplessly, but Louis, predictably, is doubled over laughing.

"I did not date You-Know-Who!" Liam exclaims. "I didn't. Louis always tells people in the most dramatic way possible, and they completely get the wrong end of the stick. Seriously. Literally all I did was hold hands with Ginny Weasley back in first year, when she was possessed by him. And maybe kissed her. On the cheek. It is not the same thing as dating You-Know-Who in the slightest."

This does nothing to assuage Harry's interest.

"Wait," he says. "So not only did you date You-Know-Who, but you also dated the Chosen One's girlfriend? Wow. You, sir, are a legend. When I'm a historian, I'll make sure to mention you in every book I write."

Liam figures that Harry is probably joking, and so is relatively unconcerned. Just in case, however, he says, "Sorry, you're not actually planning on becoming an historian, are you? Because if you are, please don't write anything about me. In fact, no matter where you go in life - never mention this to anyone."

"Sorry, Liam," Louis says, not sounding remotely sorry, and in fact, sounding rather gleeful. "He truly does want to be a historian. And if he wants to write an accurate history of Lord Voldemort, he'll have to include this. Nothing to be done about it."

"You're joking," Liam says, hopefully.

"Nope. Harry's got to be the only person in this school whose favourite class is History of Magic."

Liam can't fathom how anyone manages to stay awake in that class long enough to enjoy it. 

"Seriously?" he says.

"Oh yeah," Louis says. "He was teasing you about having sex with Voldemort, but I reckon he's got the hots for Binns, the cheeky bugger."

Where Liam would have flushed a deep crimson and tried at all costs to deny such an accusation, Harry looks completely unruffled. "Wouldn't be the first time I fancied a ghost," he says, unabashed.

"Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah. Hey, Liam, what makes the Grey Lady so attractive?" Harry asks.

"I've never really thought about it," Liam says, thoughtfully. "I guess she has a certain graceness? Is that a word? Gracity? Grace? She has a certain graceness to her. Her features are very delicate."

"It was a joke, Liam. You were supposed to say her BOObs."

Liam looks at him, expression torn between exasperation, amusement, and disapproval. "We shouldn't be - she's a very dignified woman... ghost... thing. We shouldn't objectify her. That's probably not respectful."

Louis scoffs. "Like that's what you should be taking offense to. The real offense here was how corny that joke was. You can do better, Styles."

Harry shrugs. "I thought it was funny. I've been working on that one for weeks."

"If you wanted to make a sexual joke about a ghost, you should have used Moaning Myrtle for your subject. Her name is Moaning Myrtle. You missed a golden opportunity, there, mate."

"Louis," Liam scolds, although he's smiling a little. "No more sexual jokes about the ghosts. They're people, too. Well, sort of."

Louis doesn't glance at him. Instead, he leans closer to Harry, and says, in a conspiratorial stage-whisper, "Sometimes I think that Liam actually feels like he dated Voldemort, and thinks he has to act all noble to make up for it." There's a brief pause, during which Liam rolls his eyes, before Louis continues. "Then, I remember that he's a sodding Gryffindor, and they're all like that. Ugh."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"It can be," Louis says, dramatically. "Look at the Blacks. Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. Noble. And they were all into pureblood mania."

"Actually," says Harry the Historian, "Sirius Black was proven innocent. And his brother, Regulus, he was redeemed. So there is nobility in that house."

"I don't know what I was thinking," Louis groans, "befriending a Hufflepuff and a Gryffindor. I should have stuck to my own house. You two are the worst. Hey, speaking of nobility - shouldn't you be getting yourself down to the ORC, Payno?"

"Oh, crap." Liam exclaims, at the exact same time as Harry says "Ha, you got suckered into the ORC?"

"I didn't get suckered in," Liam replies, shoving stuff into his bag hurriedly. "The Operation Reparo Committee is very important. I volunteered for it."

"Besides," Louis grins, "like you have any room to talk about getting suckered into things, Harry. Remember back when you were just an ickle second year, and Hermione Granger convinced you to join her crazy little House Elf club? The only good that came out of that is that she's famous now. You'll be able to write yourself into the history books."

Harry grimaces, and goes to retort, but is interrupted by a flustered Liam rushing to bid them goodbye.

"Anyway, it was nice meeting you, Harry, even if you asked me some creepily sexual things about You-Know-Who. See you later, Lou," Liam says. Then he takes off down the corner, eager to be doing something good for the school.

**Author's Note:**

> This first chapter is mostly just dialogue-heavy introductory shit. Future chapters will be more plot-based. Also, I can't believe I haven't even mentioned Zayn yet, this is a first for me. Usually it's, "Oh, I'm 2k into this fic and I haven't even mentioned the others yet, because I'm too busy writing about Zayn."


End file.
